This Time, I Have Witnesses

If anyone has an odd, can’t-read-social-cues, knows-no-boundaries affliction, I’m like their human “safe space.” They all make a beeline for me, the Queen Bee of Bizzare-lings. I exude some weird charisma that solely attracts folks who are a little…off. Folks like my beloved Gavin character from “Kids in the Hall.” (And here’s a link to one of his best skits:

One of my favorites: The “Can I Paint Your Chair?” skit from Kids in the Hall, featuring the king of non sequiturs, GAVIN.

Last night, Jack was witness to one of my typical vignettes. Actually, I have two witnesses–Dave was FaceTiming Jack from his hotel room at Motor City Comic-Con while weirdness unfolded.

Here’s the scene: Jack and I had just left his Little League game at 10:00 p.m. (sad to report he lost, but he did get to pitch for a little while, and I came thisclose to frostbite in May). Jack was starving. His chattering teeth were still sore from getting his braces tightened, so he was only able to eat soft food–so McDonald’s fish filet it was! We drove to the squawk box and placed our order (Cue up Dwight Schrute for a sec — Fact! If there are more than 3 cars in the drive-thru’ line, it’s been proven it’s faster to go in and order your food). We drove up to the first window to pay for our food. This smallish caucasian millennial dude quoted me the price ($7.09 for a double fish filet meal? WTF?!? Next time we hit Panera!) So there I was, handing him my money, minding my own business…

Smallish Caucasian Dude (SCD): Have you ever had a fish filet sandwich at Arby’s?

Me, looking wildly about for hidden cameras: What? (I seriously questioned if I had heard him correctly, since this was such an odd line of questioning for a McDonald’s drive thru’ window.)

SCD: I said, ‘Have you ever eaten a fish filet sandwich at Arby’s?’

Me: Nope, can’t say that I have. Are they any good? (At this point, I’ve identified this is one from my bizarro tribe, fastening my seatbelt, just waiting to see where this conversation is driving me.)

SCD: Well, they put lettuce on them at Arby’s. I used to work there as a manager. (He seemed sadly wistful.)

Me: Really? Well, I used to work at McDonald’s when I was 16, and I think we used to throw a little shredded lettuce on the fish filets. Is there lettuce on them now?

SCD: No. I don’t think there has been for a long time…Did you know at Arby’s, they have 40 different types of sandwiches?

Me: Really?!? I had no idea! (I glance in my rear view mirror…cars are starting to pile up behind me, either Little League parents or stoners at this late hour…)

SCD: Yeah, they have 40 different microwave times for each of those 40 sandwiches. (At this point, he made this slight finger gesture, looking far off into the distance, like he was re-enacting pushing the buttons on the Arby’s microwave.) Then he abruptly returned to earth from his reverie. With my ADD, I couldn’t fault him for that.

SCD: Did you know they used to salt fish filets at McDonald’s?

Me: I really don’t remember that, but I suppose it’s possible. (Jack is now punching me in the side of my right leg, his none-too-subtle signal for “Quit egging him on, already!”)

SDC: Yeah…they don’t do that anymore.

Me: I see…Okay, well…have yourself a great evening!

SDC: You, too. Enjoy your fish filet!

Someone needs to let McDonald’s corporate know that Arby’s is deploying subterfuge agents at their drive thru’ windows…